God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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