I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
