to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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