Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
