If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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