so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
a search helicopter?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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