and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
