In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
