I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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