why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
