mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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