she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
