When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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