Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
