I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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