I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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