I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
