If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
