we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
