forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
