I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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