it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
