I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
