I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
