so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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