So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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