I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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