hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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