we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize