she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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