I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We have started to decorate penises.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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