What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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