P.S. I can't hear my feet
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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