I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
This house was built for laser tag.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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