Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Mom said you looked used
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
