I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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