Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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