your parents love me but you hate me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
