dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
