I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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