Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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