Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
