Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
