im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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