i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
