Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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