duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
