Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
