I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
