had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
