He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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