I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
