I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
