I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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