the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
